Tag Archives: Dr. Alice Vlietstra

Simplify to Care

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Here in St. Louis spring is in full bloom. Many gardeners are tilling the soil, pulling up old roots and planting new seed. Spring is a time when we can create new visions for our home and family life. What do you want to plant in the garden of your life? This is a good time to reflect on caring for ourselves and others by simplifying our lives.

Simplify to Care

We live in a materialistic consumer oriented culture. Often the focus has been on money and stuff. We believe that our things reflect our importance in the world. The deeper truth is that who we are as persons has a much more powerful impact. Let this spring be a time to acknowledge the gift that you are. What are the gifts and strengths within yourself that you can now begin to express? What purpose would you like to serve? When you acknowledge the gifts that you have and that which gives you meaning, it is easier to let go of material items that no longer serve you.

Honor Your Relationships

Research over the last years has shown that our relationships bring a greater sense of well being and joy than status or the accumulation of stuff. Releasing your extra stuff allows you to share your compassion and feel connected to community. It gives a renewed sense of appreciation for others and yourself. It helps you feel connected to a broader purpose. Enjoy your community celebrations. Take a moment to acknowledge your value as a person, connect with your strengths and share. Happiness comes from connection.

Appreciate Nature

Take time to get out and appreciate nature. As we enjoy the sun, the air, the blooming flowers and the trees, it helps us to slow down and become more grounded. As we appreciate nature, we are reminded that we are a part of a much larger whole. Nature can give us a sense of awe. It helps us to reduce stress and put things in perspective.

Communication Differences of Men and Women

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WHAT Did You Just Say? Communication Differences of Men and Women

“He should just KNOW what I want if he loves me,” she exclaims.

“I TRY to solve her problems, but she gets mad when she’s upset and I give her advice,” he declares.

And both of them think they are right. And both of them have a right to see it that way.

And both of them would be wise to learn to see it from another point of view.

Individuality notwithstanding, the stereotypes are somewhat borne out by research: men are generally problem solvers and women generally want intuitive, compassionate responses. To put it another way, when we approach our partner with a problem, we expect them to react the way our best (same sex) friends do. Or to put it another way: Men “fix” and women “feel.”

“And here’s what you SHOULD do, wife…”

Men most often communicate in order to solve a problem, and they feel a sense of responsibility and love when their partner is upset. What he doesn’t realize is that she is not generally asking for advice, unless she comes out and says so. Instead, she would like to be listened to and valued while she processes her problem verbally. It tends to go something like this:
She: “I got so mad at my boss today.”
He: “Well, you should just quit that job and look for another. Here’s the employment listings.”
When he jumps directly to his solution for her life, she feels belittled, as if he feels she is not capable of adult decisions. She really just wanted him to listen, not solve!
So let’s look at a better way:
She: “I got so mad at my boss today.”
He: “You seem really upset. Tell me more.”

“If you LOVED me you would just KNOW, husband…”

A mistake that women often make when communicating with the opposite sex is called “mind reading:” that is, expecting to just hint, sigh, glare, or otherwise get him to pick up on what she wants. This conversation might go:
She: (sarcastically) “That trash really smells, doesn’t it?”
He: “Sure does.”
Of course, she wanted him to take the trash out, not agree with her! She winds up frustrated and furious that he didn’t bow to the control, hint, guilt and manipulation barely hidden in that remark.

A better way would be:
She: “Would you please take the trash out sometime in the next hour?”
He: “Sure, it’s my turn anyway.”
Women are socialized to be tactful, accommodating, and indirect, but this does not serve them well in the real world. Instead, women (and indeed, men as well) should be DIRECT, BRIEF, and SPECIFIC when asking for what they need. This could save a lot of resentment; we all appreciate honest, courteous, and upfront communication.

So it goes like this: men, you get in a lot of trouble when you offer solutions instead of focused, eye-to-eye, undivided attention and a listening ear when she is sharing her problems with you.
And women, you shut down any hope of getting what you need when you hint, sigh, use sarcasm, or otherwise expect him to read your mind. Instead, be direct (“the trash”), specific (“within the next hour”) and courteous (“please”).

Communication is a skill that must be learned, but the basic principles listed here can go a long way toward each person getting what they want- a “win-win” for all parties.

Build Your Self Esteem – Discover Your Strengths

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Each person has character strengths that are at the core of who they are.
You can tell when you are in your strengths when you find yourself “in the flow,”
enthusiastic, and become deeply absorbed in what you are doing. Character strengths
are deeply held, and are at the core of your being. They are so central to your
identity that suppressing or ignoring any of these strengths seems unnatural and
very difficult.

When you do not honor your strengths, you feel diminished. It takes energy from you.
For example if you have strengths of integrity and authenticity, not speaking your
truth makes you feel less than who you really are. When you honor your strengths,
you are more productive, and excited about new challenges.

One way to discover your strengths is to take the VIA Signature Strength Survey
at (no cost) www.authentichappiness.org. It will give you a description of your
top five character strengths. Then take a moment to reflect on how they have shown
up in your life. You will discover that they have helped you to rise to the occasion
to meet your challenges. Once you how they have helped you in the past, use them they more
frequently. You will discover you are a lot more happier and confident.

Do I Need Counseling?

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Every day millions of people search online for help with their problems, wondering if it’s finally time to reach out for direction and support to handle sadness, depression, anxiety, stress, fights with their partner or spouse, and family issues, among others. Here are some of the questions and mistaken beliefs we encounter as therapists every day.

Can’t I just talk to my friends about my problems?

Talking to a friend about mental health or personal issues may bring you temporary relief, but will make the problem more deep seated in the long run because you become more identified with the issue the longer you complain without intervention. Remember, you get what you pay for, and zero-cost advice is pretty much worth zero!
Nobody can change my situation, so why pay to see a professional about it?
There is a saying that “your world changes when YOU change.” A professional, licensed therapist is trained in ways to help you respond to your world differently. We have at least two college degrees and extensive supervised training thereafter. There are thinking patterns, usually formed in childhood, of which you are completely unaware. I can show you how you are holding yourself back and perhaps help you find insight and freedom. It’s often a cage of your own making!

I’ve felt this way so long…

If you had a persistent fever, would you just say “oh well” and live with it? Or would you go to a health care specialist who could evaluate, diagnose, and treat it? The average person doesn’t realize how common mood and relationship problems are to the human condition, and that they can be (and are) identified and studied. Whole systems of therapy are developed for common issues, much as drugs are developed for physical ailments.

What will people think?

The people intelligent and mature enough to seek therapy realize that it doesn’t matter what people think! It matters how you live every day of your limited, precious life, and whether you can enjoy that to a higher degree and love more fully. Besides, you would be surprised how many of those “imaginary people” you think are judging you are actually patients themselves.
Is it time for YOU to feel better? It’s time!

Is It Love or a Red Flag? Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

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1. Push for quick involvement: comes on very strong, pressures for an exclusive commitment almost immediately
2. Jealousy: Excessively possessive: calls constantly, visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone:” checks your mileage
3. Controlling: Interrogates you intensely, especially if you’re late, about whom you talked to and where you were. Keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.
5. Isolation: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses your supporters of “causing trouble;” deprives you of a phone or car.
6. Blames others: for his problems and mistakes: The boss, you—it’s always someone else’s’ fault.
7. Makes everyone else responsible for his feelings: says, you make me angry” instead of “I AM angry,” or, “you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.
8. Hypersensitivity: Easily insulted, claiming his feelings are hurt when he is really mad; rants about things that are just part of life.
9. Cruel to animals or children: kills or punishes animals brutally; expects children to do things that are beyond their ability, i.e. whips a two year old for wetting a diaper; teases children until they cry. SIXTY FIVE PERCENT OF ABUSERS WHO HIT THEIR PARTNER WILL ALSO HIT CHILDREN.
10. “Playful” use of force during sex: enjoys throwing you down, holding you down against your will; says he finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. Verbal abuse: constant criticism, says cruel or hurtful things; degrades, curses you, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
12. Rigid gender roles: expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
13. Sudden mood swings: switches from sweetly loving to explosive in a matter of minutes.
14. Past battering: admits hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation was to blame.
15. Threats of violence: makes statements like “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” then dismisses it with “everybody talks that way, you’re too sensitive” or “I didn’t mean it.” IF IT HAS COME THIS FAR, GET HELP OR GET OUT.
From the Project for Victims of Family Violence, Lafayette, ARK

An Attitude of Gratitude: Tips for Tough Times

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“In the depth of winter, I finally realized that deep within me there lay an invincible summer.” A. Camus

Let’s face it, life throws us curves sometimes. We all experience the ups and downs that lead some of us to seek a counselor’s help: relationship issues, money problems, job struggles, grief and loss. Add any of those stressors to our current economy and it becomes even more challenging to stay positive and thankful! And yet, an optimistic focus is an essential quality for mental health and happiness. What do we do?

The Practice of Optimism

The alarming thing about tough times is that negativity feeds on itself. As we “talk fear” to others, we contribute to THEIR anxiety. They then spread that talk to more people, keeping us all in a state of uneasiness. Negativity is truly contagious, a “mental virus” spread by thoughtless conversation, news stories, and emails. Before you know it, a whole nation is panicking, which helps cause the very hard times we fear.

What we Focus On, Grows…

An ‘attitude of gratitude’ simply means that we make a conscious choice to put our attention on what we like about our lives. One easy exercise is to list the three best things that happened to us today, and then note why they happened. The “why” is usually because we chose to make an effort to improve our lives, whether it’s the good feelings we get from working out, or the pleasure of calling a friend. This helps us see that we are not victims and we are not powerless. There is always one small thing we can do to improve our present circumstance and ease our anxiety. Some ideas:

• Lay the problem down. Take a break from trying to solve the situation. Put aside the divorce papers and take a walk. Leave the resume writing behind and watch a funny movie. Let your mind rest.
• Limit the time spent dwelling on and talking about the problem. Just as not talking about it at all makes it worse by suppressing it into the body, so talking about your problem obsessively can keep you panicked. Your discussions should be brief and you should only confide in a positive, non-advising friend, family member, and your counselor.
• Give yourself healthy treats. A nap, a novel, or signing up for a class can be a little lift to help you get through a hard time.
• Examine the problem on paper. Write down how you feel for a few minutes to release the problem. Things look different on paper than in your head!
• Let yourself grieve. Grief is a natural and necessary process when facing a loss, whether you have lost a job, a person, a lifestyle, or a marriage. Crying is important for release of cortisol, a damaging hormone that builds in the body during stress.
• Avoid negative people. There will always be those who are determined to “spread the virus” of negativity. Some people get a sense of importance from repeating bad news and the media depends on bad news for ratings! Be wise about who gets your attention.

There is always something hopeful to say, something to be grateful for. Fix your attention on what you appreciate, and more good things will come along!

Family Trouble – Dealing with Difficult People

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“It just never works to be in contact with my mother,” said my client as she started our session, wiping away tears. “I don’t want to cut her out of my life completely, but I can’t keep going back to be sniped at again and again.”
This client and I had already strategized ways to talk to mother assertively, addressing the hurtful comments, to no avail. Her mother flatly refused to admit fault or change her behavior.
Our next step was to set strong boundaries of self- protection in specific ways. Here’s a list of ways to do just that. If you have a difficult person in YOUR family, ask yourself:
• Do I want to limit phone calls? Yes/no
•
• If yes, how many per week/month/year? _________per _________________________
•
• Do I want to limit time of day I answer the phone? Yes/no
•
• If so, what are my limits? __________________________________________________
•
• Do I want to limit the amount of time we talk? Yes/no
•
• If so, what’s the limit? _____________________________________________________
•
• Do I want to limit time we spend face to face? Yes/no
•
• If so, what’s that going to look like? __________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

• Do I want to remove myself when they are inebriated or otherwise inappropriate?
• Yes/no
•
• Do I want to acknowledge birthdays and holidays? Yes/no
•
• If so, how? Card phone call visit with others present visit alone
• Other ways to protect myself: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Let’s discuss your answers in our next session. Together we CAN find ways to protect YOU.

Know Your Strengths – Build Your Self-Esteem

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What is it that enables you to cultivate your talents, build deep lasting relationships with others, feel pleasure and contribute to the world? We all have character strengths that empower our lives. When you tap into your strengths, it leads to a solid foundation of self-esteem and increases your optimism, enthusiasm, and joy.
Can you challenge yourself TODAY to make that list of what enjoy and when you felt the most enthusiastic and strong? These activities build your self-esteem. Whatever we focus on, increases. When you focus on what’s good about you NOW, you start to become your own “cheerleader” and best friend. Personal growth begins with a decision that you are worthy of the time, money and effort it takes to grow your self-esteem. I would be honored to be your guide.
Tips to Build Self-Esteem:
1. Watch your negative self-talk. Put a mental “STOP” sign up when you catch yourself being self- critical.
2. Write down negative thoughts. It helps to face the habit and change it.
3. Replace them with written, positive thoughts, such as “I am a happy person today.”
4. Surround your environment with positive thoughts (signs, notes etc.)
5. List five things that are good about you and read them often.

Dr. Alice

Healthy Self-Love

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A Relationship Can Be Nice…

But learning to love YOU is the nicest gift of all. How can you expect someone else to treat you better than you treat yourself? What would your life look like if you set a goal of treating yourself in a healthy, loving, patient manner each day? Make a point acknowledging your special gifts speaking as kindly to yourself as you do to others!

Much of my work focuses on releasing the false assumptions about ourselves to discover the deeper truth which is much more positive. Take a moment to acknowledge your special strengths and the activities you enjoy. When you are in these activities you experience flow, feel enthusiastic, and excited. You also tend to create special projects around them. When you are in your strengths you are also more able to follow your vibes, honor your intuition, and take bigger risks.

This is your deeper connection with your essential self. When you invest your time and energy in these qualities, all of your relationships get better. Why? The more you discover the life sources within yourself, the more you will love yourself and the more you will see love in others.

Dr. Alice